CHEKA NASI

..BUBU MMOJA ALIULIZWA JINA LAKE. AKAJIBU KWA ISHARA: AKASHIKA KOO NA MBOO. MKALIMANI AKASEMA "HUYU ANAITWA KO MBO". AKAULIZWA UNAKAA WAPI. BUBU AKAVUA NGUO NA KUONYESHA MKUNDU WAKE  MKALIMANI AKASEMA "HUYU ANAKAA HUKO KUNDUCHI". AKAULIZWA KWENU WANAONGEA LUGHA GANI.  BUBU AKASHIKA KISU NA AKAMSHIKA DADA MMOJA SEHEMU ZA SIRI,  DADA AKAWA MKALI NA KUTAKA KUPIGANA NA BUBU. MKALIMANI AKASEMA "HAPANA DADA HUYU ANA MAANA HUKO KWAO WANAONGEA KISU KUMA". CHEZEA BUBU WEWE!!

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Mzee mmoja aliongozana na binti yake kwenda kwa mwanaume aliyempa mimba huku akitweta kwa hasira. Walipofika ilikua hivi: Mzee, wewe ndiye ulimpa mimba bint yangu?
KIJANA: Mzee ni kweli mimi nimempa mimba binti yako, ila akizaa dume nitakupa daladala kumi, sheli 3 na milioni 50 za mtaji. Akizaa jike, nitakupa supermarket 3, mashamba 6 na milioni 40.
BINTI AKADAKIA: Je mimba ikitoka?
MZEE: Nyamaza mshenz ww, si atakupa nyingine... N hatareee aisee.

Cheka kidogoo huku unasindikiza jion yako

Mchaga aliona tangazo limeandikwa
Mpare Hospital, tunatibu kila ugonjwa
kwa laki 1, tukishindwa tunakupa ww
laki 2, mchaga akaitamani ile laki 2,
akaenda, akamwambia Dk Mpare: i hv
lost ma sense of taste, Dk Mpare
akamwambia nesi, Mpe Mchaga dawa
ya chupa namba 22, nesi akamnywesha
Mchaga, Mchaga akashauti STOOOP ni
mkojo! Dk Mpare akwamwambia
Mchaga, congrats u hv recovered ur
sense of taste.
Mchaga akaumia sn kapoteza laki 1
yake, akajipanga upya akaenda tena
hospital, akamwambia Dk Mpare: I hv
lost ma memory, I dont even
remember my name. Dk Mpare
akamwambia nesi, mpe Mchaga dawa
ya chupa namba 22, Mchaga akashauti
NOOOO dawa ya chupa namba 22 ni
mkojo kwa matibabu ya sense of taste!
Dk Mpare akamwambia Mchaga:
congrats u hv recovered ur memory.

****####****###**
demu: mambo vp mpenzi
Jonii: poa tuu nambie malikia angu
Demu: just miss u baby
Jonii: thanx
Dem: afu baby ninashida ya pesa
kidogo kwa ajili ya kusuka
Jonii: km shilling ngapi mpenzi
demu: elfu hamsini tuuu baby
Joniii: ok ngoja nikutumie now
Dem: oh nawait baby love uuuuu
Baaada ya mda kidogo dem anapokea
sms ya m pesa anatabasamu inakua hivi
Demu:: jaman baby mbona
umenitumia 500 badala ya 50000
Jonii: itakua sifuri nyingne zimefutika
Demu:: nyooo we sema huna ela
mwanaume suruwali wewe
Jonii: ehhhhh ulitaka niwe mwanaume
sketi!

Cheki dictionary ya maajabu

Aww
Usijidanganye ati Kiswahili si Lugha timilifu,
Kwa taarifa yako kimekamilika kila idara, hebu ona maneno haya, je, ulikuwa unayafahamu tangu awali?

Tazama.......

KIINGEREZA------KISWAHILI
Device-------------Kitumi
Photocopier------Kinukuzi...
Duplicating Machine --Kirudufu
Resistor-----------kikinzani
Power Saw-------Msumeno oto
Sensor-----------Kisimbuzi
Lap Top---------Kipakatalishi
ICU--------------Kisadaruki
Microwave-----Tanuri ya miyale
Memory Card-----------Kadi sakima
SIM card----------Kadiwia/mkamimo
Scratch card------------Kadi hela
Business card-----Kadikazi
Identity card----Kitambulisho
ATM---------- -Kiotomotela
Nutrients ----- -Virutubisho
Starch---------- ---------Nisha
Stigma--------- ----------Ntwe
Nectar---------------Mbochi
Humus---------------Mboji
Germ cell----------Celizazi
Femur---------------Fupaja
Green house-------Kivungulio
Esophagus--------------Umio
Sunflower---------------Alizeti
Weevil-------------Fukusi/dumuzi
Distillation--------Ukenekaji
Evaporation-------Mvukizo
Dissolve ----------Uyeyushaji
Stagnant----------------Tuame
Synthesis---------Uoanishaji
Monitor-----------Muwazi
Processor---------Kichakato
Computer Virus-----Mtaliga
Floppy Disk-------------Diski tepetevu
Mouse-----------Kipanya/kisakura
Slot----------------Upenyu
Flash Disk--------------Diski mweko
Scanner-----------------Mdaki
Keyboard-------Kicharazio
Force of Gravity-------Kani ya mvutano
Certificate-----Astashahada
Diploma--------Stashahada
Degree------------Shahada
Masters----------------Uzamili
Phd----------------Uzamivu
Sausage---------------Soseji
Kebab-------------Mshakiki
Crisps--------------Kaukau
Chips-------------------Vibanzi
Juice---------------Sharubati
Password--------------Nywila
Zebra Crossing-------Kivuko milia

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Cheka ila usiharibu mbavu

Mhindi alijibu mtihani wa Kiswahili kama ivi:

(1) Mfa maji ?....ipatie life jacket, lambda taokoka.

(2) Mwenda pole?....... Tachelewa fika.

(3) Usipoziba ufa ?........... Mizi tachungulia  dani.

(4) Usilolijua ?........ Uliza google.

(5) Mbio za utelezini ?..itaChafua guo yako.

(6) Ukipenda boga ?...Ngoja mezi ya ramzani tapata rahisi.

(7) Ukiona vinaelea ?.iko nyepesi sana hiyo.

(8) Maji yakimwagika ?...... Mambie dada tapiga deki.

(9) Chelewa chelewa ?... Takosa mapesa veve.

(10) Kila ndege huruka ?... Airport

(11) Bandu bandu ?...du gu Yale pateli na sa sa ipo Bombey.

(12) Mtaka cha Mvunguni ?..sharti inue tanda

(13) Simba mwenda kimya?....Kama sio gonjwa basi haina njaa.

(14) Aisifuye mvua ?.......... Najua iko Mkulima hiyo

(15) Barabara ndefu ?........ Ongeza mwendo au tachelewa fika.

(16) Mlanawe hafi nawe ila?.... Takimbia

(17) Asie sikia la mkuu ? ........ Tapeleka jela

(18) Hasira za mkizi ? ..............Tatafuna veve

(19) Mchamba wima ?........ Karibu ya Hurumzi

(20) Akumurikae mchana ?....Kipofu hiyo

(21) Mficha maradhi ?........ Taenda Loliondo

(22) Mkataa wingi ? ..........Taenda Chadema

(23) Bendera ?................ Kama sio ya ODM, ya TNA

(24) Baniani mbaya ?....... Peleka Bombay Lakini sio kweli, naonea tu

(25) Akili nyingi ?.......... Tapasi mtihani yotee

(26) Penye kuku wengi ? ........ Chinja bili tatu ivi, hapana mtu najua.

Je wajua inbox za fesibuku zipo vipi? Bofya hapa kuchek

HIZI NDIO INBOX YA WANAUME
WENGI WA FACEBOOK ILIVYO
Me: mambo dada
Dada: mm mzma cjui ww
Me: mm poa tu, nmependa prfl pic
yako
Dada: hasant
Me: ndo ww nn, maana daah
umejaaliwa
Dada: ndo mie huyo, kwan vp??
Me: basi tu mungu kakupendelea
sana, unaish wap,?? mm nakaa
kijitonyama
Dada: nakaa magomeni mikumi,
Me: umeolewa
Dada: wala, naishi mwenyewe
Me: vp naruhusiwa kuja
kutembea??
Dada: akaah kwangu hawaj
wanaume!!
Me: heee kwann ss?? Au hutaki
wagen.
Dada: basi tu, nmeweka sheria
zangu.
Me: ok, unapiga mishe gani hapa
mjini?
Dada: nnabiashara zangu tu
nafanya.
Me: basi tafuta siku tuonane,
tuongee, tujuane, maana mm
nimekuelewa sana.
Dada: mmh ww kaka una mambo,
mm naogopa kukutana na watu
nisiowajua.
Me: sasa c ndo tunajuana hivi,
Dada: mhhh haya ntakupa namba
yangu kesho
Me: ok, ila tangu tunachat hapa
hali yangu si nzur mwenzio
Dada: unaumwa au??
Me: hamna hapa babu
kachachamaa sana, sijui anashida
gani
Dada: mmmh is umpeleke. Kwa
mwenzake
Me: mwenzake is ndo ww jamani
Dada: akaaaah
Me: umevaaje kwan hapo
mrembo??
Dada: kanga na chupi, maana ndo
nimetoka kuogopa,
Me: aaaiiish dada unaniumiza
jamani
Dada: pole jaman kwan unaumia
sanaaa???
UNAMAWAZO GANI JUU YA INBOX
KAMA HIZI? AU NDIO NGOZI NYEUSI
YAWAZA MAPENZI TU?
usisaha kushare watu waone
mautumbo yao wanavyochat inbox
na mademu wasiowajua

LIFE AMAZING MATHEMATICS

Very interesting & meaningful msg to share:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is equal to:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ;
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ;
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

L+O+V+E;
12+15+22+5 = 54%

L+U+C+K ;
12+21+3+11 = 47%

None of them makes 100%. Then what makes 100%?

Is it Money? NO!

M+O+N+E+Y= 13+15+14+5+25=72%

Leadership? NO!

L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P= 12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16=97%

Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our "ATTITUDE"...

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes
OUR Life 100% Successful.

Amazing mathematics

Beautiful msg to share:

TEXTING RULEZ

TEXTING RULES FOR GUYS:
*If she takes 2 minutes to reply,
take 4.
*If she replies with a one letter
word, DO NOT REPLY!
*If she only texts you when you are
completely sure she is bored,delete
her
number.
*If she texts you "Mambo,aki
nimeboeka", forward that text to
her dad
*If she sends you one word texts,
go silent till she learns how to
maintain a conversation.
*If she only texts you to ask for
favours, block her number as well.
*If she texts you "haha" "hehe"
"sawa" "ok" and those other silly
irritating words, call it a day. Well,
unless she starts a new story line.
And finally,
*If she is the type that texts"Xaxa
xwity. Walai nimekumixx" BUY HER
A DICTIONARY FOR HER
BIRTHDAY!!! or VALs!!!
Do it at your own risk.
Ukiachwa, ujipange!!!!!